She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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