We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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