tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
