my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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