And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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