I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
