I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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