I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I AM VODKA MAN
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
