Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
