We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
