he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
