Cold hands, warm shart.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
