So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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