I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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