He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
