New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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