listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
