I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
