i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
