today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
