Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
