Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
