dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Shame - the story of my life.
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