pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
