I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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