How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
