I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
