My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
