They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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