If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
