i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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