the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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