There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
