I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?