i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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