hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
