my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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