I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
