I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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