3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks