My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
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I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?