dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
