Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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