I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
