If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i will never coherently bang her
fuck your aforementioned shoe
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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