Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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