ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
