Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
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You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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