look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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