Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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