When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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