I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
