she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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