i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
