i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
