Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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