look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
