HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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