Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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