Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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