I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
