Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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