His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
