I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
