i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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