I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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