i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
